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“Is it too early for tequila?”, the man with a hangdog expression and large bags under his eyes said as he sat down next to Kelly and I at the end of the bar deep inside the Denver International Airport. His worn appearance wasn’t that surprising. It was only 7am.

“Depends where you’re coming from, I guess.” The bartender replied as he threw a coaster in front of him. “But in my experience, it’s never too early. Here and Vegas are the coolest places right now.”

I was skeptical. Concourse C of D.I.A. was one of the coolest places at the moment? I sipped my coffee, stayed out of the discussion, and mentally prepared myself for the flight ahead to San Francisco and exhibiting at the Alternative Press Expo that weekend.

“I think there’s something wrong with that man.”, Kelly mentioned to me hours later over our drinks as she nodded towards the couple at the far end of the bar at Vesuvio’s (255 Columbus Ave, San Francisco, CA 94133) in North Beach, San Francisco. A middle age man had been loudly pontificating on a variety of subjects that no one, except his female friend, seemed anywhere interested in. All of his proclamations seemed to be very San Francisco-centric, which was interesting coming from a man who also claimed to be from New Jersey (“… but I’ve lived here for twenty years and never looked back!”)

“How about another drink?” she asked with a pleasant smile that quickly took my eyes off the yahoo in the corner and toward something much more important.

“Berlin is what San Francisco USED to be!” the man loudly exclaimed starting on yet another topic. I was slightly surprised by that comment since he had been slagging every city on Earth that didn’t start with ‘San F…’. Seems to be a fairly normal perspective for San Francisco. Don’t get me wrong. I think it’s a lovely city, but the best city in America?? I can make an argument that…

“I HATE Boston accents! Those are the worst in the world. They are just awful!”

Oh… fuck you. Now it’s on. I was about to give him the standard Boston hello (“Hey buddy! Go fuck yourself! Go Sox!”), deliberately dropping all my ‘r’s and sounding as annoying Matt-Damon-Good-Will-Hunting as possible, when Kelly saw me tense up and quickly intervened.

“How about another drink?” she asked with a pleasant smile that quickly took my eyes off the yahoo in the corner and toward something much more important. She ordered another whiskey for me and an Anchor Steam for herself. While both Kelly and I normally hate overly crowded bars, they are useful for drowning all the assholes out. Unfortunately for us, this afternoon Vesuvio’s was not crowded at all.

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Though it can be a bit of a tourist-y, both of us enjoy Vesuvio’s for its character, its Beat/literary history, and its location in North Beach, close some of our favorite places that we frequent during our trips to the city. Sit anywhere in Vesuvio’s two floors and your eyes can’t help but wander over all the fantastic cultural and historical debris scattered over the walls. Old framed photos, art, poems, signatures. All brilliant.

Oddly enough, the complainer at the end of the bar was not the only thing that was annoying. For early October, San Francisco was surprisingly hot, over 90 degrees during a time that we should be pleasantly sliding into autumn.

“How are you enjoying the heat?” a big bearded man with a Spanish-accent seated on our other side asked Kelly before continuing. “I enjoy these Indian Summers, but they are coming later and later to the city. Everyone complains about the heat, and yet no one jumps for joy when it rains. I think you should just enjoy all of life and not worry about it.”

What a perfectly San Francisco-ish comment.

And it was still early, so we consulted our San Francisco booze map (yes, we have a booze map. No digital here. Going old school.)

The Alternative Press Expo did not start till the following morning, so we had all day to wander the city. And it was still early, so we consulted our San Francisco booze map (yes, we have a booze map. No digital here. Going old school.) However, neither of us knew the BART or the bus system very well. From North Beach, we decided to head out towards Toronado, a bar that we haven’t visited in quite some time. We walked through Chinatown, took the BART part of the way, and then walked the rest of the way… which was a bit of a mistake considering the heat and the cruel sun beating down on us. Plus San Francisco has a strange Escher-like way of placing large hills for pedestrians to scale no matter which direction you are walking in. The only thing that kept us trudging through the sweaty heat was the promise of beer at the end of it, when we finally staggered into into Toronado (547 Haight St, San Francisco, CA 94117) on the Lower Haight. Even in the early afternoon, the bar was crowded since the Giants/Nationals playoff game had just started. We got a pair of beers (a Peak ‘Organic Citrus Saison’ for Kelly and a Rodenbach ‘Grand Cru’ for myself) and found seats by the front window, away from the baseball-enthralled crowd.

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The easiest way to describe Toronado is ‘a dive Belgian beer bar’. That’s not an elegant description, but it works. Old beer taps, band stickers, and other bumper stickers cover the walls seeming to keep all the paint up. The restrooms are a riot of graffiti. A massive draught beer menu listing 30 to 40 selections (divided by brewery) hangs from the ceiling at the far end of the place. Even without the playoff game, Toronado is generally always crowded. It’s one of those weird bars that I frequently find myself in (be it Boston, Denver, Philly, etc), that I always catch myself doing a double take, thinking I recognize an old friend among the crowd of patrons. The Toronado has that sort comfortable feeling that you are home and among friends.

…And the beer list is good, real good, and the bartenders know it. So along with navigating the ever-present crowds, you need to always know exactly what you want when bellying up to the bar. If you don’t, you may never get served. Yes, this can be a bit difficult with a Belgian beer bar (so many names… so many styles… would you even like a sour beer… what is an Allagash… ) but the bartender doesn’t have time for any sort of guessing games. Stand out, order your drink, don’t look back, don’t blink, and then get the hell out of the way.

“The punk rockers at Molotov are fucking broken!” is what Kelly and I thought we heard the woman say. A sweaty drunk woman stormed into the bar, cursed to herself, as she brought in a fan from the outside and plugged it in right in front of us. “Sorry, I’m PMSing. Hope the fan doesn’t bother you, but it’s fucking hot.”

“Not at all,” Kelly replied, always polite as her parents have raised her well. “We can use the breeze as well.”

The woman introduced herself as Madison, gesturing towards all the men sitting around the bar, backs to us as they gazed up towards the TVs. “I’m just trying to make everyone happy and trying not to get yelled at by these fucks ‘cause I’ll cry.” Madison was pretty brilliant. Kelly swore later that Madison may have been the best ‘I’m being drunk at you’ people she’s ever met.

I worked my way up to the bar and got us another round (same for Kelly and a Monk’s Flemish for myself) since neither of us wanted to wander out into the heat and march back to North Beach just quite yet. It was so hot that the bartender motioned to several people to keep the main half door of the bar fully open to let in a breeze. Several regulars were mystified. “That never happens.”

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A bit later, halfway through our second beer, Steve the bartender walked and sat down next to us. He was on his break and we were in the quietest corner, away from the playoff game. After chatting and mentioning that we were visiting from Colorado, Steve looked a bit wistful. “Yeah, I’ve been bartending here for a long time. I remember a time that people use to tip me in weed, but those days are gone.”

“Yeah, we normally enjoy coming to San Francisco, but why is it so damn hot in October?”

“Yeah, this is odd,” Steve nodded, “Quite hot. No wind. I’ve been here long enough to know that this is earthquake weather.”

… what? Earthquake weather? Kelly and I just looked at him.

“But, I wouldn’t worry about it. Hardly ever happens.”

After finishing our drinks and saying goodbye to Steve, Kelly and I headed back into the heat. We were able to catch a bus that dropped us much closer to North Beach and crashed at our hotel (Hotel Boheme, 444 Columbus Avenue, San Francisco, CA 94133) for a while, before heading back out to meet with some new folks. We were meeting them at Spec’s (or Specs’ Twelve Adler Museum Cafe, 12 Williams Place, San Francisco, CA 94133) about some possible comic work.

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Spec’s is one of our favorite places in San Francisco – it’s dark and cool (which we desperately needed after the heat of the day.) The clientele is generally older, scruffier and more bohemian than other places in the area, and the walls are covered with random weird oddities and artifacts. Part bar, part museum, part artistic community, part your crazy bohemian uncle’s back room. This is a beer and shot bar that I find hard to picture in any other city than San Francisco. It’s Vesuvio’s younger brother (or sister) that never got as famous, yet far more authentic. This is the ‘deep cut.’ … And, you have to be in the know to find the place – it’s quietly marked door in an alcove right off Columbus can easily be missed next to the more garish signs and doorways of the rest of the North Beach area. And they pour a nice Guinness.

Just as I was ordering our first round, Jami and Randy walked in. As we had never met before, they told us that they were just across the street at Vesuvio, saw Kelly and I walking down the street through the window. “That has to be them. Such a hip cool couple. If they turn into Specs, that has to be them!” This nice comment was followed by a couple drinks as we discussed the project. After a little while, Jami and Randy asked if we’d like to see the Beat Museum around the corner. They wanted to talk to their friend, Jerry, who just happened to be the curator.

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So, off to the Beat Museum (540 Broadway St, San Francisco, CA 94133). Jerry gave all of us a private tour, pointing out and telling interesting bits about some of the items. Kelly had that bright glow in her eyes. She was enraptured.

All of us, including Jerry, then walked up the street for drinks and dinner at Naked Lunch (504 Broadway St, San Francisco, CA 94133). Nice place. Great mural. We talked about the Beats, some of their history, watched people pass down Broadway, and had a couple drinks (‘Old Fashioned’ and a ‘Jerry B’: bacon bourbon with cinnamon sweet tea. However… couldn’t really taste the bacon… or the bourbon).

Afterwards, Jerry headed back to the museum while the rest of us wandered, looking for a quiet place for a nightcap. Randy pointed out various places, sites, and cool hidden corners as we walked through North Beach. It was a Friday night and the whole area was jumping. People crowded the streets, heading to bars, clubs, restaurants, or cafes. I loved it as it seemed a beautiful mix of old neighborhood with new life, though I could have done without some of the excited screeching.

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We settled on an Irish pub called Maggie McGarry’s (1353 Grant Ave, San Francisco, CA 94133) simply because it didn’t seem very crowded and Jami wanted to check out the mural in the back room, said to be full of some of the North Beach locals to see if she recognized any. Though there were few people in the bar, the stereo was still turned up quite loud with an 80’s New Wave mix that a few young women at the end of the bar shouted along with desperate to be heard over the music.

We ordered a couple Guinnesses and went to check out the mural. Sure, there seemed to be a couple of locals painted in, but most of the mural was of musicians (Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, Robert Plant, Miles Davis, Bono… ) none of whom I think were ever North Beach regulars. The best/worst thing I saw as we left was a small printed out sign tacked to the wall: “For your safety – Please do not stand on tables or chairs.” That left me thinking… “So, this is the kind of bar that you have to warn the clientele about that? Those kind of people are your regulars?”….

We quickly finished our pints and left. Back at Hotel Boheme… a bottle of sherry was placed out in the hotel’s common area for guests to enjoy in the evening. Classy.

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